Like many women (I am coming to see) I have a hard time ASKING for things for myself. I have a very hard time even admitting that I need help,companionship, assistance, support, or acknowledgment in my everyday life.
Consequently I have been silently struggling with a few things in my life, particularly to do with what I really WANT – Do I want to live with Reg? Do I want to get married again? Do I want to go back to school and get my Masters? Do I want to stay working at the place I am now (and keep my benefits and assistance with school, if I go)? Do I want to have another child? – and feeling like I have to take EVERYTHING on completely alone.
I wish to ask for a SIGN of which path to take.
I wish to ask for a SUPPORT network that will be supportive, not judgmental and discouraging, even when they personally disagree about what is “right” to do.
I wish to ask for relief from the pressure to be “PERFECT” – as a single mother, as an employee, as a girlfriend, as a woman, ect, I am constantly scrutinized and criticized for my shortcomings (even when they aren’t really shortcomings). I wish to ask for the ability to, quite plainly, not give a fuck and do what I need to do – to “screw up” my life, to fail, to stretch, to fall, to grow, and to get things done.