I have been MIA… I know this.

It was never my intention to disappear, but as summer turned to fall and my life was turned upside down (again) I wasn’t entirely sure how to write about the things that have been going on. I was keenly aware that some of the people in my “real” life read my blog and that I wasn’t really wanting to open up certain issues (that I might desire to write about to get them out) to discussions or hearing what people might think I SHOULD do…

For the time being I am here… and I am wishcasting today with Jamie Ridler:

What do you wish for FALL?

Fall is a bittersweet time for me … summer is over and the kids return to school (which is good because it saves me having to figure out what to do with them while I needed to be at work was getting expensive) but it also meant that I was going to have to re-adjust to being a SINGLE mother of 2 (instead of living with Reg and having 4 kids around). Reg was unable, yet again, to find a job in the city, which meant that as soon as school started he and his kids were back to living 1 hour away and only coming in on weekends. It meant that our dream of living together was, once more, being put on hold. It meant an end to the renovation project that would allow us all to fit into my condo. It meant learning to come home to an empty house again. It meant spending days and nights completely alone. It meant not being able to talk to Reg for days at a time…

But just as I was feeling sad about our time together coming to an end, I was called up and scheduled to my have tubal reversal surgery — which meant having Reg (and his girls) coming in to stay, help, and take care of me for part of my recovery (the first 2 weeks, then they are going to be gone again).

So what do I wish for the fall season this year?

I wish for the time and space to RECOVER from this surgery. Although I have been recovering for about 2 weeks now, I have 4 more weeks left before my doctor will allow me to resume “normal” activities and return to work. I wish to take this time to not only physically recover from the surgery, but to recover from the emotional crap that led to the original tubal ligation, to recover more of who I am, to recover a sense of my spirit again, and to detoxify from my job (before I have to return).

I wish for the ability to let go of the need to KNOW what is going to happen with Reg and I — will we ever be able to live together truly if he cannot find a job here? Do I want to risk living with him or marrying him when his parents (and particularly his mother) have been unwelcoming, bordering on rudely excluding, of MY children (and she is very welcoming of the offspring of her other son’s girlfriend, so I’m not entirely sure that her distaste for MY children comes from the fact that they are not biologically related to her)? Do I want to risk bringing a child into a family that cannot accept all the children equally? How can we negotiate “family” situations and holidays when one family doesn’t want to accept everyone in a family unit? Will we forever have to be separate on Christmases and Easters — Reg and his daughters going to his parents while my children (including any new baby) and I go to MY parents home? Will I only ever be welcome to visit when my kids are with their father? What sort of message will it send to the kids if grandparents accept babies but not older kids into the family? These are all things weighing on me about this whole idea of being “together” but yet being unwelcome/unacceptable as part of the Reg’s family…

I wish to decide what I really want to do in my life — not what my parents want, not what Reg wants, not what the Ex wants, not what my kids want, not what society wants — and how I am going to get there from “here”…

This is what I wish for this Fall season.