Another year has come and gone, and with it the sense that time is just slipping away. The last six months have been such a blur that I haven’t really had time or space to blog about it, which has, in turn, left me feeling more than a bit unsettled.

So what has happened this year?

January 2011 started off with Reg and I. His daughters were still being held illegally by their mother in the US, necessitating his attention to be focused on lawyers and his family. We had started discussing what we might do when the girls were returned to him (since he had been awarded sole custody prior to them going to visit their American mother) – the possibility of a life together, of marriage, of a family… but with so much uncertainty nothing could be really PLANNED.

March of 2011 the kids Reg was notified by his ex-wife that she would return the children rather than go to court (since she’d have to come to Saskatchewan to do so anyway, jurisdiction of the custody matter had been awarded to Saskatchewan 2 years prior) and she did not relish being brought up on abduction charges.

After 10 months apart Reg was reunited with his daughters April 2011. After that everything changed in my life. Suddenly I was trying to support a family of 6 on my income, and trying to create space in my small townhouse for 4 kids. We started to seriously discuss marriage, and Reg started to look for another job that would allow him and his daughters to move into the city. We started planning to add a 4^th bedroom, family room, and 2^nd bathroom into the townhouse, and Reg and I looked at engagement rings. My kids and I also fulfilled our wish of taking a family trip to DisneyWorld over the Easter break.

June 2011 was a struggle. The kids had to get used to the idea that Reg and I were going to be together and that we were going to become one big, messy, loud family. We bought laminate flooring and subflooring and started to remodel the basement. Reg’s older daughter had some issues returning to Canada and being unsure or unclear of her place in his family – her mother had either half-assedly told her that she wasn’t his daughter, or she had told their YOUNGER daughter, or this information had in some way gotten through to her but no one had bothered to directly take it on and TELL her.

July through the beginning of September Reg and his daughters lived at my house and I tried my best to support everyone while Reg was out of work for the summer. The subfloor went down and the stud walls went up. Reg filed for divorce and sole custody of his daughters. We bought a huge tent and took everyone camping. BoyChild went in for psychiatric assessment of his learning issues – while the school had tried to channel him into a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome, it turned out that he has ADD.

Mid-August 2011 I finally got a call scheduling the surgery to have my tubal ligation reversed. Reg was given a final date for his divorce to be heard by the courts. TheEx notified me (and the kids) that he and his current girlfriend were expecting a child in January or February 2012. The basement rooms didn’t get finished, as I needed to draw some of the money I had been using in order to have the surgery.

End of August Reg and his girls went back to their home (1 hour north of the city) and returned only weekends. September 15 I had my tubes untied. I was off work from September 15 to October 31… supposedly to recover, but for the most part I was on housewife duties. BoyChild had a second assessment with the psychiatrist, with a reconfirmed diagnosis. And the end of October marked the official ending of Reg’s marriage and custody battles – he was granted divorce, sole custody, and stated that both he and his ex had to AGREE on visitation for the girls. Since taking the girls down to their mother’s home had led to her trying to take off with them, he wouldn’t agree to take them down there for summers like before, meaning that if she wants to visit with the girls she will have to make the effort to come up here (if she can get a passport) and be supervised.

November 2011 I returned to work, only to realize how much I hated my job. Despite being accepted into a Masters Program, funding issues had kept me from being able to realize my dream. Not being able to upgrade my skills and being in a job where there is no possibility of even a lateral move made me finally realize that this is not the place I want to spend my entire career. Unfortunately, since I was the primary wage earner AND sole provider for my household, leaving a job that pays the bills hasn’t been as simple of a matter as wanting to leave. Going back to work at a job where I haven’t felt like I was respected, where I have no opportunities, and where my manager has been simply trying to find a way to replace me (with his 17 year old daughter!) has been stressful. Looking for another job, knowing that I have 6 people depending on my income, knowing I have debt to climb out of, and wanting a better life has added to the stress of working in such a toxic environment.

November did bring a few good things, though.

November 1 I was given the green light by my specialist and family doctor to try and conceive again. The surgery was considered a success and they felt that, barring any complications, I should be able to conceive naturally within 2 years (75% chance). Of course I never really TRIED with either of my other 2, so I am not entirely sure about how to tell when I ovulate or any of that stuff, but the doctor felt that it might take at least 4 to 6 months minimum and not to worry.

November 11 I was asked to consider adding a dog to our family (which already included 2 cats). Jamieson, a 6 year old Golden Lab/Pomeranian/Border Collie cross had belonged to Reg’s brother’s girlfriend. Of course all 4 kids were (initially) thrilled with the prospect of having a dog… and I was wary – like most things in the house taking in a dog meant extra work and expense for ME, especially since Reg and his girls are only there Saturdays and Sundays, leaving me with 100% of walking, cleanup, and other doggish duties over half of the time. While I LIKE Jamieson, I am not entirely happy to have been given EXTRA work and responsibilities on top of the 10 hours of employed work and 3 hours of housework I do every day…

November 12 Reg asked me to marry him (with Jamieson’s help). It was a very quiet thing… I wasn’t even sure if he was serious because it was so low key. While I was overwhelmed with the prospect of a wedding, I wouldn’t mind being remarried (anymore). With the agreement to marry we were able to start planning a future together with all 4 kids, 2 cats and the dog.

December 2011 was yet another mixed bag. Reg got in a car accident and dented his car. My clutch started to go and I needed to get it fixed. There was a lot of stress surrounding getting BoyChild to actually TAKE and get comfortable with his ADD medications – which he kept lying about taking and then throwing out. GirlChild succumbed to a stomach bug. Reg started interviewing for a job he really wanted. Reg bought a new oven which replaced the one I bought with my house. My washing machine died (thankfully while still under extended warranty). Reg stressed about Christmas shopping.  Christmas shopping was successfully done and all the wrapping completed. Reg felt depressed that he wasn’t offered the job by Dec 23 (their deadline for informing everyone). We had Christmas day with his family. Boxing Day Reg went and played hockey and managed to break his leg – thus almost completely halting any sort of plans we had to get things done the 1 week I had off work (since it meant that all the housework, shopping and dealing with children and animals fell 100% on my shoulders). December 27 Reg was offered the job, with a substantial increase in his salary with it, and we suddenly needed to figure out how to combine both families under one roof AND finish the renovations!

And so here we are in 2012:

• 1 dog richer
• Reg has a better paying job that he is excited about starting (but is leaving a job that allows him to spend more time coaching sports like he enjoys)
• 2 weeks for the kids to get used to the idea that we will be living together full time
• attempting to fit everyone into my 3 bedroom, 1 bath townhouse while we RENOVATE to make it a 4 bedroom/2 bath
• working around the fact that Reg can’t do anything for at least another 3 (probably more likely 6) weeks when the PERMANENT cast is removed
• dealing with the logistics of getting his daughters enrolled in the school and before/after school program that my children are involved in
• dealing with my children’s resentment towards both Reg and their father’s girlfriend (and new half-brother who is due in the next 2-5 weeks)
• hoping to conceive a baby (and leave my current job with maternity benefits)
• adding permanence and HOPE to our lives
• looking forward to a better life working TOGETHER to make our dreams a reality
• Hoping to find a way to pay down debt so that I can get into my masters program

Oh… and trying to figure out how to get married without too much pomp and ceremony…

You know… just a typical new year

This is my fifth week off… I have the rest of this week, all of next week, and Oct 31^st off before I have to head back to work. In some ways I do miss working – I had somewhere to go, I had something to do – but in a LOT of ways I have been happier and less stressed staying home and not dealing with the crap that comes from my job and the way it makes me feel about myself.

I do not like my job. My job drags me down and makes me down and makes me doubt myself and what I have done with my life and my education. My job is a dead end avenue. But right now it is a necessity that I work full time, that I pay the mortgage and the condo fees and the property taxes and the bills… I have kids to take care of and debts to pay off.

And unfortunately, after working in this job for 4 years I am boxed into a type of job that I don’t want – ADMINISTRATIVE. Even if I leave the job I have now, the chances are excellent that I will just end up in the same position with another company… another freaking job as an “ADMIN” professional (which doesn’t really qualify as “professional” in the way any other job does) doing the same dead end job.

I have been struggling to work my way UP out of the “pink ghetto” of my company and have been pushing and shoving and fighting to move up to a job outside of the role of “administration” of any sort (admin assistant, administrator, accountant… all the jobs where you only find women in a company) and into a more leadership role. Every time I get promises, I get encouragement, I get WORDS… but I don’t get DEEDS or action or the necessary recommendations to get out.  Bosses have promised to help, and haven’t… managers have used the HR rhetoric to not allow me to train up – and hearing them offer the exact job I want (with full training) to inexperienced men over and over, when I am almost half way there because of my degree.

So I applied to a Masters level program in Project Management… and I was accepted. And I jumped through the hoops to get into the program. The only thing holding me back was how I was possibly going to PAY for this education? I couldn’t afford it completely out of pocket (at $800US/month it’s too much for me), I did not qualify for financial educational assistance (even though I have completely paid back my prior student loans!)…this left me with 2 options: I could get a student line of credit from a bank and I could try to get some financial educational assistance from my employer.

Because my current manager has already promised the position I want to train for to both the current Estimator as well as a former employee who happens to be an Engineering student, I am worried about getting training that will just go to waste (again). There is not enough project management work in our office for 4 people, and since I cannot move to another division (without losing custody of my children) any project management training I receive would come secondary to my “purpose” of being the administrative whipping girl. Basically, I’d be indentured to the company, in whatever capacity they choose, regardless of my skills, and be stuck in the same job because they already have enough project managers.

Getting a line of credit has other issues. I have been working to get my debt load down…and taking out another huge loan scares the crap out of me. I know I could potentially earn a lot more, if I can find another job where I can use my upgraded skills… but I do feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to earning money. My income is super important – without it I would likely lose custody of my children and lose my house. Right now I am the single wage earner… and this might not change for a very long time.

Unless I can get a better job

A better job that is NOT as an Administrator, Administrative Assistant, Payroll Administrator, Accounts Payable Administrator, or Accounts Receivable Administrator. A better job is not just the same job at another company. A better job is in a place where there are opportunities to train up, where there are women in positions that I would like to work towards. A better job would be in a company where they hire females into all sorts of positions in all levels of the company. A better job is one where you are respected for your skills and your abilities, instead of one where abilities and skills are ignored or discounted just because of the name of the title. A better job is one where I wouldn’t be afraid of my manager or feeling discouraged because of the way that I am spoken to during the work day.

It’s distressing me to know that I could likely get a better job if I upgraded my skills and education, but that because my job doesn’t pay enough I can’t really take that opportunity right now. So I am stuck right now trying to make this decision. Do I take a financial bite and go for another degree and the opportunity for a real career or do I play it safe for a bit, pay off more debt, and create a stable environment that would allow me to go back to school at a later date?

What’s missing?

This is my fifth week off… I have the rest of this week, all of next week, and Oct 31^st off before I have to head back to work. In some ways I do miss working – I had somewhere to go, I had something to do – but in a LOT of ways I have been happier and less stressed staying home and not dealing with the crap that comes from my job and the way it makes me feel about myself.

I do not like my job. My job drags me down and makes me down and makes me doubt myself and what I have done with my life and my education. My job is a dead end avenue. But right now it is a necessity that I work full time, that I pay the mortgage and the condo fees and the property taxes and the bills… I have kids to take care of and debts to pay off.

And unfortunately, after working in this job for 4 years I am boxed into a type of job that I don’t want – ADMINISTRATIVE. Even if I leave the job I have now, the chances are excellent that I will just end up in the same position with another company… another freaking job as an “ADMIN” professional (which doesn’t really qualify as “professional” in the way any other job does) doing the same dead end job.

I have been struggling to work my way UP out of the “pink ghetto” of my company and have been pushing and shoving and fighting to move up to a job outside of the role of “administration” of any sort (admin assistant, administrator, accountant… all the jobs where you only find women in a company) and into a more leadership role. Every time I get promises, I get encouragement, I get WORDS… but I don’t get DEEDS or action or the necessary recommendations to get out.  Bosses have promised to help, and haven’t… managers have used the HR rhetoric to not allow me to train up – and hearing them offer the exact job I want (with full training) to inexperienced men over and over, when I am almost half way there because of my degree.

So I applied to a Masters level program in Project Management… and I was accepted. And I jumped through the hoops to get into the program. The only thing holding me back was how I was possibly going to PAY for this education? I couldn’t afford it completely out of pocket (at $800US/month it’s too much for me), I did not qualify for financial educational assistance (even though I have completely paid back my prior student loans!)…this left me with 2 options: I could get a student line of credit from a bank and I could try to get some financial educational assistance from my employer.

Because my current manager has already promised the position I want to train for to both the current Estimator as well as a former employee who happens to be an Engineering student, I am worried about getting training that will just go to waste (again). There is not enough project management work in our office for 4 people, and since I cannot move to another division (without losing custody of my children) any project management training I receive would come secondary to my “purpose” of being the administrative whipping girl. Basically, I’d be indentured to the company, in whatever capacity they choose, regardless of my skills, and be stuck in the same job because they already have enough project managers.

Getting a line of credit has other issues. I have been working to get my debt load down…and taking out another huge loan scares the crap out of me. I know I could potentially earn a lot more, if I can find another job where I can use my upgraded skills… but I do feel the weight of the world on my shoulders when it comes to earning money. My income is super important – without it I would likely lose custody of my children and lose my house. Right now I am the single wage earner… and this might not change for a very long time.

Unless I can get a better job

A better job that is NOT as an Administrator, Administrative Assistant, Payroll Administrator, Accounts Payable Administrator, or Accounts Receivable Administrator. A better job is not just the same job at another company. A better job is in a place where there are opportunities to train up, where there are women in positions that I would like to work towards. A better job would be in a company where they hire females into all sorts of positions in all levels of the company. A better job is one where you are respected for your skills and your abilities, instead of one where abilities and skills are ignored or discounted just because of the name of the title. A better job is one where I wouldn’t be afraid of my manager or feeling discouraged because of the way that I am spoken to during the work day.

It’s distressing me to know that I could likely get a better job if I upgraded my skills and education, but that because my job doesn’t pay enough I can’t really take that opportunity right now. So I am stuck right now trying to make this decision. Do I take a financial bite and go for another degree and the opportunity for a real career or do I play it safe for a bit, pay off more debt, and create a stable environment that would allow me to go back to school at a later date?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well… we still haven’t heard back from the lawyer’s office regarding what might have happened (or not happened) in Reg’s divorce case on Friday. The fact that his ex wife never did her famous “freak out” about getting the divorce and custody paperwork makes both of use think that she once more avoided being served. Whether the court would have gone ahead and dealt with the case (since this is the 5th time she has used this tactic to avoid dealing with these issues) or if they delayed in order to give her a chance to have her say… who knows.

I am still on medical leave after having my tubal ligation reversed. This will be my3rd week, and I am supposed to be recovering for 6 weeks — from Sept 15 to Oct 31. My boss, on the other hand, is telling me that I am supposed to be back at work on Oct 24th. According to my doctor, the 6 week mark is Oct 27… but they can’t see me until Oct 31, so if my boss requires me to have medical documentation I won’t be able to return to work until Nov 1.  As I am not exactly thrilled with my job, I am happy enough to not return until the doctor says I may… but being that I am still the primary wage earner here I can’t really afford to lose my job either.

Right now my days are filled with the internet, dishes, laundry, cooking, and other housework stuff. For the last 2.5 weeks I have had Reg and his daughters living with me, and from Sept 16 to Sept 29 my children were here — so even though I was recovering from major surgery I was still having to be the “mother”. Even when I could barely move it was MY job to get the kids up, fed, dressed, and make sure the backpacks were filled while Reg showered, dressed, shaved… etc… Once I was more able to do small things I have been responsible for doing all the sweeping, dishes, laundry, and cooking. Without having the extra stress of my job, dealing with my boss and co-workers, I am finding staying at home way more relaxing — with the exception of the expectations that are hanging over my head…

While I am recovering I am not supposed to be driving for 2-3 weeks (meaning I have yet another week before I can definitely drive) and so I have been pretty housebound. The first few weeks I haven’t really been up to doing the larger tasks that need to be done — washing the floors (which because there are 4 kids and 2 cats running all over all the time, require me to go over and over the floors to get them really clean), vacuuming, and going through everything and decluttering. I am sure that in the next 4 weeks I will be doing just those things (within the strictures of the medical limitations)… and hopefully someday my house will be clean (and completed).

This next few months I really need to get the spending in line. The summer was so hard on me because I was paying for EVERYTHING for all 6 of us. October has the added expense of BoyChild’s birthday (and apparently i am being told I need to pay for that), and of course the cold weather is likely to come soon — which means having to buy the kids new winter gear. And of course CHRISTMAS is bearing down on us… I have Reg and his girls living with us part of the time, and he doesn’t help with the bills or groceries much at all. It worries me when I think of joining my life with his, when I think of marrying this man — will he continually expect me to pay for everything, foot every bill, pay for every event? Doing all the paying means staying in a job that is slowly sucking the life out of me…

Meanwhile my hope of going into a Master’s program is fading. I haven’t been able to get any sort of funding due to the fact that I have been working full time. While that’s all fine and well, I am also fully supporting 3 people on this income and trying to get ahead — and the only way that I will get ahead is to get out of the shit job title that I have been closed into in this company is to get retrained to allow myself to transition to another, more challenging, job that will be closer to the sort of education that I already have. But I can’t afford to take the course without financial assistance, and it seems that I might have earned too much (with child support) to qualify for any assistance.

I am waiting to move on, to move up into the next phase of my life. I want to live with someone, marry someone, and have a better job. I want to become “that mom” that seems to have it all together — whatever that “all” is. The problem is that I am still trying to figure out what I am passionate about (other than my family) and where i want to be….

 

Warm Prairie Sunrise in Late July by cometdust

Today Reg is supposed to hear about his divorce and custody case, a case that was SUPPOSED to go to court to be heard TODAY.

As always, his lawyer has been pretty hard to get a hold of (especially since he cannot really make or take calls from 9am to 3:30pm) and he has not heard if the case was delayed, if his (hopefully ex) wife was served or if she dodged the process servers yet again, if there is anything he needs to do to go forward, if there are any other delays or hang ups in his case.

He has been trying to divorce this woman for as long as I have known him — which is going on 3 years this November — and apparently it was going on PRIOR to that. They have been separated for almost 6 years. He has has primary custody of their daughters for 4 years, and now has been granted SOLE custody (since she tried to take custody back using illegal means the last time the girls went down to Ohio for visitation). The case is being heard in Saskatchewan… only the ex lives in Ohio…

There are so many issues to deal with when trying to get things dealt with across borders, even “friendly” borders. Jurisdiction was granted to Saskatchewan in 2008 because Reg was granted primary custody at that time… because a divorce cannot be finalized without custody being decided. So the courts in Dayton, Ohio heard the case and handed jurisdiction over to Saskatchewan Court of Queens Bench…

But that didn’t make anything easier…

Despite having a local jurisdiction, Reg has been struggling to get the court documents to his ex-wife. In Canada we have a very different way of getting court documents to people, apparently. I have never heard of court cases being put on hold over and over because one of the parties could not be properly served. Courts don’t have any patience for people who avoid or duck being served, and eventually they will rule without the person’s consent. But in the US it seems that they have to track down and prove that the person has been served before anything can be decided. And so if the person cannot be served the courts will not deal with the matter until they can be located and served.

So basically whomever is to be getting documents to this woman have been having a very difficult time doing it, and it has constantly been delaying having anything decided. The Canadian courts are tired of the games that she is playing, but because she has the right to know that she is going to potentially lose the right to have her children come visit her (they are asking that any visitation with her be supervised and in Canada) they might not be able to make a decision until they can locate her…

Because everyone is tired of the games, because Reg (and I) just want to move on we really HOPE that the court makes its decision today.

But historically things have not been that simple…