I am unhappy.
I’m trapped in a marriage that makes me unhappy, a marriage I should never have jumped into.
I wanted another baby, I wanted a chance at a real life, I wanted to prove that I wasn’t unloveable. After my first marriage ended, I wanted a second chance at having a family. I hated (hated) having my kids’ lives divided between my home and their father’s home. I spent half my life missing my kids. I tried everything to fill the gap in my life…
I’d lost my marriage. I lost my home. I lost time with my kids.
Now I am in a marriage I shouldn’t have ever entered. My older kids hate my husband. My ex-husband uses my kids’ feelings towards my husband to manipulate and control me. My husband is gone a lot with work, leaving me unsupported with 5 kids — his 2 daughters, my older 2, and our baby. My step daughters (and my husband and my husband’s mother) see me as nothing more than their nanny and housekeeper, with the added bonus that my older step daughter is prone to lying, stealing, and throwing screaming violent tantrums for hours at a time if she doesn’t get her way.
The only thing keeping me here is my youngest — the 2 year old that I had with my husband. If I asked him and his older 2 to leave, I might lose my 2 year old and that would kill me.
I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. I want my daughter full time (in 2 years I haven’t spent so much as a night away from her). I want a relationship with my son and older daughter, but I am afraid that the only way to really do that is to separate from R. R wants someone to be his nanny — he wants to stay in my home and travel whenever he wants/needs to without having to deal with his mother (who is a controlling bitch). I don’t want to be with him or his older daughter (and her violent fits) at all, even if it means not having enough money to make ends meet. My mother thinks I should stay because its too hard to go through this again. His mother just wants to be controlling about every aspect of his older daughter’s lives.
Even outside the fact that my kids hate him and his kids hate and disrespect me, I no longer love him.
There. I said it. I don’t love my husband.
Any feelings of love I had for him dissolved in the last 2 years when he was unwilling to help me when I was sick or weak, when he chose to stay up all hours of the night watching movies and sports (if that is what he was really doing) after promising me that we would always go to bed together so we could spend “us” time together, when he constantly decided on HIS schedule without ever consulting me about what I might need or what WE might need, when he refused to let me know his schedule, when he treated my kids like shit and allowed his parents to treat me and my kids like second class citizens…
Our sex life has been unraveling since before the baby was born. Once he said “I do” it was a downhill progression. After she was born he was more than happy to wait 6 weeks… then 8… then 10. And when we did finally have sex, it was a disaster. In the 2 years since she was born the frequency of our sex life has gone from every second day pre-marriage to once every month or two. He isn’t interested. He doesn’t look at me like a woman. We don’t have “date nights”, we barely talk beyond the issues he has with my kids or the issues I have with his kids. We never kiss. We never touch. There isn’t anything THERE.
I am not a sexually aggressive person, I can’t beg someone to be interested. I can’t come on to someone. I can’t act like a slut. I wish I were pretty, and sexy, and that there was someone, somewhere who might someday be attracted to me. I’ve had too many punishing experiences when I have tried in the past, and I can’t do it anymore.
But I also know that I can’t live in a sexless marriage. I know that that is what my mother and father did, its what everyone tells me I should do — for the baby, for the kids. But in the end it is tearing me apart. I am losing my hair in handfuls, I have difficulty sleeping and concentrating, I want to run away with the baby and my kids and never come back. I can’t deal with the screaming and fighting, my kids hating him, his kids hating me, his mother being a bitch to me and my kids, him being judgmental about my kids’ weight issues, him not being there for me when I am sick and can’t do everything, not being able to like his oldest daughter, feeling ugly and used, and living in fear that either my ex-husband will take my older 2 or R will take my baby…
I just want OUT. I don’t want to be married. I never wanted to be MARRIED again, I just wanted a baby!! Now I have another man who can use my child(ren) to manipulate and control me and use me to do what he “needs” me to do in order to keep his great job
FUCK my life