twice failed

twice failed

I am unhappy.

I’m trapped in a marriage that makes me unhappy, a marriage I should never have jumped into.

I wanted another baby, I wanted a chance at a real life, I wanted to prove that I wasn’t unloveable. After my first marriage ended, I wanted a second chance at having a family. I hated (hated) having my kids’ lives divided between my home and their father’s home. I spent half my life missing my kids. I tried everything to fill the gap in my life…

I’d lost my marriage. I lost my home. I lost time with my kids.

Now I am in a marriage I shouldn’t have ever entered. My older kids hate my husband. My ex-husband uses my kids’ feelings towards my husband to manipulate and control me. My husband is gone a lot with work, leaving me unsupported with 5 kids — his 2 daughters, my older 2, and our baby. My step daughters (and my husband and my husband’s mother) see me as nothing more than their nanny and housekeeper, with the added bonus that my older step daughter is prone to lying, stealing, and throwing screaming violent tantrums for hours at a time if she doesn’t get her way.

The only thing keeping me here is my youngest — the 2 year old that I had with my husband. If I asked him and his older 2 to leave, I might lose my 2 year old and that would kill me.

I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. I want my daughter full time (in 2 years I haven’t spent so much as a night away from her). I want a relationship with my son and older daughter, but I am afraid that the only way to really do that is to separate from R. R wants someone to be his nanny — he wants to stay in my home and travel whenever he wants/needs to without having to deal with his mother (who is a controlling bitch). I don’t want to be with him or his older daughter (and her violent fits) at all, even if it means not having enough money to make ends meet. My mother thinks I should stay because its too hard to go through this again. His mother just wants to be controlling about every aspect of his older daughter’s lives.

Even outside the fact that my kids hate him and his kids hate and disrespect me, I no longer love him.

There. I said it. I don’t love my husband.

Any feelings of love I had for him dissolved in the last 2 years when he was unwilling to help me when I was sick or weak, when he chose to stay up all hours of the night watching movies and sports (if that is what he was really doing) after promising me that we would always go to bed together so we could spend “us” time together, when he constantly decided on HIS schedule without ever consulting me about what I might need or what WE might need, when he refused to let me know his schedule, when he treated my kids like shit and allowed his parents to treat me and my kids like second class citizens…

Our sex life has been unraveling since before the baby was born. Once he said “I do” it was a downhill progression. After she was born he was more than happy to wait 6 weeks… then 8… then 10. And when we did finally have sex, it was a disaster. In the 2 years since she was born the frequency of our sex life has gone from every second day pre-marriage to once every month or two. He isn’t interested. He doesn’t look at me like a woman. We don’t have “date nights”, we barely talk beyond the issues he has with my kids or the issues I have with his kids. We never kiss. We never touch. There isn’t anything THERE.

I am not a sexually aggressive person, I can’t beg someone to be interested. I can’t come on to someone. I can’t act like a slut. I wish I were pretty, and sexy, and that there was someone, somewhere who might someday be attracted to me. I’ve had too many punishing experiences when I have tried in the past, and I can’t do it anymore.

But I also know that I can’t live in a sexless marriage. I know that that is what my mother and father did, its what everyone tells me I should do — for the baby, for the kids. But in the end it is tearing me apart. I am losing my hair in handfuls, I have difficulty sleeping and concentrating, I want to run away with the baby and my kids and never come back. I can’t deal with the screaming and fighting, my kids hating him, his kids hating me, his mother being a bitch to me and my kids, him being judgmental about my kids’ weight issues, him not being there for me when I am sick and can’t do everything, not being able to like his oldest daughter, feeling ugly and used, and living in fear that either my ex-husband will take my older 2 or R will take my baby…

I just want OUT. I don’t want to be married. I never wanted to be MARRIED again, I just wanted a baby!! Now I have another man who can use my child(ren) to manipulate and control me and use me to do what he “needs” me to do in order to keep his great job

FUCK my life

 

 

Wandering Lost

Wandering Lost

There is a famous saying that not all who wander are lost…

Sometimes I know I am “Lost”… I just don’t know what to do or where to turn. In the past few years I have wandered far from where I thought I would be in my life — I divorced the father of 2 of my children when I thought that I would remain married forever, I took a job that was pretty far beneath my goals in life in order to support myself and my children and STAYED in that job for 5 years, I undid my tubal ligation and remarried to have a 3rd child… and I’m never sure that anything I have done has been “RIGHT”…

How do you KNOW if you are doing things “RIGHT”?

My eldest is a confused, depressed, anxious, miserable mess of a boy, despite my trying every therapy and method I could find to help him. My middle daughter is strong willed, disrespectful and yet full of love and life. My youngest daughter is full of character and life… I don’t know if I am ever going to be a good enough mother for ANY of them and I live in constant fear that someone will see that I am not sure, I am not perfect, I cannot keep my house clean enough, I cannot keep my car clean enough, I can not live up to the standards of mothers in our culture… and they will take my children away from me.

I am suffering from a lack of “ME” right now. Since my current husband and his 2 daughters moved in I have had no space or time in my life to do anything creative to keep my sanity. My bedroom has become a communal room for myself, my husband and the baby; my kitchen table has become my husband’s office space; and any time I try to meditate or write or create I have at least 1 kid under my feet trying to be part of what I am doing (when what I am doing is trying to just have a bit of space WITHOUT kids to think). I am trying to find a balance between wanting to spend time with my children and step children, and desperately NEEDING to have some space from all of the kid type creatures.

I am finding that I am very LONELY lately. I have “friends”, but not the type of friends I could ever call up and talk to about the things that are going on in my life. Sure, I have monthly mom’s nights out, but not one of the others would be able to understand having step children, having had a failed marriage, how it feels to have your children removed from your home half the time and the aching, sickening feeling of dealing with a joint custody situation even when you are dealing with a cooperative ex. Not ONE of them has a concept of how fucking HARD it is to deal with pre-teen girls, especially ones that are NOT yours, and what sort of pressures come from not knowing how to BE that perfect parent when the “perfect” life that you imagined has evaporated into the ether.

I feel so lost.

I don’t know how to be a mother to a teenaged boy, especially one who is having a hard time dealing with mental health, ADHD, and not knowing how to deal with losing time with him because of pressure from my ex and the most current counselor and not even having the FIRST clue how to navigate this situation.

I don’t know how to be a step mother to 2 girls I don’t necessarily connect with — I can get along with my younger step-daughter, but I have no connection at all with the older girl — and knowing that more than anything these girls want a mother-daughter relationship with THEIR mother not me.  With my elder step daughter being adopted by my husband, there is also an extra issue of her not really feeling she “belongs” with her father, yet not being allowed to be with her mother, and the extra horrible 3 hour screaming fits that come along with that. Unfortunately their mother is unable to care for them (she’s unable to hold down a job, pay for expenses, and provide necessary insurance coverage) and no matter how much she misses them and they miss her they may never be allowed to go and visit her again (last time she took off with them and we had to get a bunch of US and Canadian agencies involved)…

I don’t know how to mother a pre-teen girl who doesn’t know what she wants — she hates being with her father, but she doesn’t want to NOT be with him. I want more than anything not to lose HER too, since her father is determined to prove I am not good enough for our son… but I know she really LIKES the things he can buy her and I can’t…

I am not even sure I’m a good enough mother for my 17 month old daughter. I have yet to get her to sleep through the night (she’s not even 18 months, and I STILL can’t go a night without nursing her a bunch of times a night!). There are days I feel I failed her because I can’t guarentee that she’ll be allowed to have a relationship with her big brother. I feel like I failed because I don’t have any real CLOSE friendships to show her what real friendships are like. I feel guilty that I don’t always nurse her to sleep. I feel horrible I say “no” to her too much…

Being a mother is being lost…

I just wish I had other people out there to talk to, to understand… to be PART of…

 

As life moves on

As life moves on

I’m currently in the uneviable position of having to accept one of the hardest things I have dealt with since becoming a mother over 13 years ago — letting go of my child for his own good.

I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to “give up” on him, but I’m not sure that I am the best thing for him anymore, as hard as it is for me to accept that.

My son has resented the fact that I left his father 7 years ago. Divorce is hard on everyone, but it has been particularly hard on my son, and his resentment has gotten to the point where I don’t think that there is anything I can do to repair things with him right now. He resented me leaving his father. He resented having to move back and forth between us. He resented that his little sister lived with us. He resented when I started dating again (although, interestingly enough not when his father started dating again). When my now husband and his daughters moved in with me he decided that things we too horrible in his life, and when his baby sister was born he just hated the fact that he had “too many” sisters (although he was unhappy with his first sister)…

Through the last 8 years we have taken him to counselors over and over. First for issues fitting in at school. Then for issues with our divorce. Then because he was having issues being bullied at school. Then he was having learning issues that turned out to be ADHD — and he did not respond positively to the medication at all. Then he was being seen for anxiety. And the last counselor has been seeing him because he has been saying he doesn’t want to be around anymore/suicidal. We’ve been through the ringer trying to figure out what he needs to become a well functioning and mentally healthy individual.

I have to admit that I don’t KNOW what he needs. I ask him, and all I get is that he doesn’t like it here because there are too many people, he wants more time alone with me without his sister, half sister or step sisters around. I ask over and over if he wants to live with his father, and he says no — but he doesn’t want to be in the situation I am in. I feel like shit, because if I had known he would have been so negative about having a large family I might not have gotten remarried, I might not have had his half sister… And now that we have this family it isn’t like I can magically **POOF** everyone away to make him happy…

And would that even make him happy, or would there be something else that would make him feel miserable?

In the end it comes down to the fact that I am not a good enough mother for him. I can’t magically be the person he thinks I should be — I don’t earn enough to do all the things he wants to do, I can’t get rid of the people he doesn’t want around him, I don’t have a big enough house, I can’t be the most perfectly calm, serene, patient mother that can give him every single thing he might want or need automatically. I want to be that mother, I really do, but I just don’t KNOW how to be a different person than I am.

Every day I try to improve. I try to be calmer. I try to be more patient. I try to not be bothered as much by mess and noise. I try to mediate between the kids and all the conflicts. I try to do things that are interesting and exciting for them. I try to understand what they are asking for, and I try to balance all the various needs and wants and demands from all 5 of the kids that are my responsibility. But I am nothing but a failure, in the end.

So now I am at the point where I just don’t know what else to do but let my son go. His father and his current counselor are convince my home is too much chaos, his step sister is too aggressive (although they have no idea how much HE bullies HER) towards him, and that I am not good for him because sometimes I yell, sometimes I can’t sit down and talk about things, and in the end I am just not meeting his mental health needs. I was basically told that I am not good for him, that his counselor wanted to have him (and likely the 4 girls) removed from my home by social services or to have his father take custody from me… (and the counselor has only seen him 3 times!!!!!! and is stating she’s only going to be seeing him a few more times before we’ll have to find someone ELSE!)

I try not to let it bother me, but it does. How could it not? He’s my first born, my only son. Sure, I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve been doing the best I can with a child I don’t always know what to do with. I have gone into debt to create him his own bedroom, and to take him on trips. I have worked to provide him with all the things he asks for. I have tried to do what every counselor, psychiatrist, teacher, and resource has suggested. I just can’t make him happy, and I can’t delete his sisters from his life, and I don’t think divorcing his step father and getting his step sisters out of his life would necessarily fix this situation either…

So I’m letting him live more with his father, where he might occasionally have his sister around (she’s going to come live with me for longer times) and once a week or so his baby half-brother, where my step-daughter can’t pick at him or disrespect him or  annoy him, or do whatever he tells his father she does (because when he’s here the 2 of them are always playing and hanging out and laughing, but his father tells me that all she does is “pick at him”). It’s hard, because whether he or his father like it or not, my family IS his family and running away from it won’t make it not real. I can only hope that living with his father, having time away from everyone in my home, he will eventually come to a space where he is mentally healthy enough to start blooming and growing, where he can stop talking about not wanting to be alive all the time because of something small his sister says or does, and where he can start becoming ready to deal with the stresses that are going to come from starting high school next year.

 

 

Quilt Project

Quilt Project

This year I decided to make each of the kids (I have 5 of them) a quilt for their birthdays. P had her 10th birthday at the end of March, and was awarded with my very FIRST try at making a quilt (or sewing pretty much ANYTHING for almost 10 years!!) which was a purple and turquoise quilt

P’s quilt

The second attempt was for my step-daughter, S, who wanted a quilt that was based on sock monkeys. This was easier said than done, because apparently sock monkey flannel is really hard to come by — so I had to order it online (which was interesting because it was in yards and didn’t work out to the same number of squares as the meters did). Her quilt was finished by her July birthday and was yellow, red, and browns.

S’s Sock Monkey Quuilt #2

And now comes the rush!

C will be 11 on Sunday, then SA will be 1 in September, and G will be 13 on Halloween!! And the kids think I should make quilts for my nephew, N, and step-neice, D for Christmas…

I have to say I am enjoying the quilting more than I thought I would. I am learning a bunch about sewing, and fulfilling a life long goal of learning to quilt…

 

As I sit

As I sit

It’s been way too long since I wrote online.

So much has happened in my life– the last time I wrote anything online I was newly engaged and considering a wedding. Since then I have gotten pregnant, moved my (then fiance) husband and his kids in with me, gotten married, went on maternity leave, and ad a baby.

And all THAT was almost a year ago!

I miss writing.

And yet I have been confronted with the fact that even writing about my life could lead to repercussions in other areas. But I have always been a writer, and I will always be a writer, even if I am not paid for it.

To that end I decided that I must return to writing but that I am not going to write about anything outside of my home life, my REAL life…

Such that it is.

I have a wonderful life outside the working world. I have many great projects on the go, many experiences to have… and I don’t need to talk about what happens outside these walls…